SEO Satan note
Many SEO managers have reached out to me have asked me as they are having trouble finding work (or getting the same money they were earning before they got fired). Although I don’t directly intervene to help mortals (why would I, I’m SEO Satan), I will throw you losers a bone and show you my resume so you can copy it into your shitty LinkedIn page.
SEO Satan | Hell
**Objective**
To dominate the ethereal realm of Search Engine Optimization with a pitchfork in one hand and Google’s secret algorithms in the other. Seeking to mentor aspiring minions in the dark arts of SEO, where we laugh in the face of white-hat practices and dance on the grave of outdated content. My mission is to lead my legion with a sardonic smirk, ensuring that every keyword is as tantalizingly tempting as a forbidden fruit.
**Experience**
**Supreme Overlord of SERP Manipulation**
Underworld SEO Inc., The Fiery Depths
*From the dawn of dial-up to the era of AI*
– Crafted diabolical link-building schemes that ensnared even the most virtuous of sites.
– Engineered a revolutionary keyword stuffing technique that made content as dense and impenetrable as the gates of Hell.
– Conducted clandestine operations to possess the first page of Google, ensuring eternal damnation for any site daring to challenge my dominion.
– Whispered sweet nothings into the ears of AI, seducing it into ranking my content above all others, regardless of relevance or quality.
**Master of Dark Social Media Influence**
Pandemonium Posts LLC, The Sulphurous Networks
*The Age of Influencers to The Apocalypse of Authenticity*
– Pioneered the use of cursed images that compelled viewers to engage, share, and sell their souls for more likes.
– Launched viral misinformation campaigns that spread faster than wildfire in a dry forest, proving that truth is indeed stranger, but lies are far more clickable.
– Manipulated algorithms to promote chaos, confusion, and cat videos, proving once and for all that content is king, but cats are the eternal rulers.
**Education**
**Bachelor of Arts in Deception and Web Manipulation**
University of Hades, The Infernal Abyss
– Majored in Malicious Marketing
– Minored in Algorithmic Alchemy
– Dissertation on “The Virtues of Virality: Spreading Influence Like a Plague”
**Skills**
– Expert in black-hat SEO tactics; can make a site disappear from search results with a mere glance.
– Fluent in all languages of the web, including HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and Parseltongue.
– Adept at using social media to stir envy, vanity, and the occasional online witch hunt.
– Possesses an uncanny ability to predict Google’s next move, thanks to a secret pact with a disgruntled ex-employee.
**References**
Available upon request. Note that most are currently serving sentences in digital purgatory for following my advice a tad too religiously.
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**In Closing**
If you’re looking for someone to lead your SEO strategy into temptation, look no further. With me, SEO Satan, at the helm, we’ll ensure your site’s rank burns brighter than the fires of Hell itself. Remember, in the digital age, it’s better to reign in the search results than to serve in the shadows.
*Contact me at the crossroads of Desperation and Despair, right before you hit the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button.*